Showing posts with label craptastic. Show all posts
Showing posts with label craptastic. Show all posts

Monday, April 21, 2008

I'm Bringing Sexy Back, old school style, just in time for summer!

"You Down With OPB (Ocean Pacific Brand)?" "Yeah, you know me!" There I was, pacing the aisles of Wal-Mart, looking for something to fill the void in my life, when I chanced upon the discovery of the re-release of a clothing line near and dear to the hearts of those of us who came of age in the early eighties. Yes, I'm talking about the venerable OP clothing line, sold exclusively now at the Mart.

Gone are the days when we would have given our front teeth just for the opportunity to own an OP shirt. True, perhaps we placed too much value on material things when we were in middle school. And, probably, our sexuality as well, as I remember worrying profusely that a friend of mine and I wore similar blue OP shirts to middle school one day, only to be called "fags" by a bunch of cooler people who now probably work at Wal-mart. So, confident now in both myself, my sexual orientation, and the world in which I live, I hurl down the gauntlet of fashion and proclaim this summer not only the Summer of Mike but the Summer of Eighties Inspired Beach Wear! Who's with me?

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

A word on makeup for men...

Gee, I wish I were in a situation that I could wear makeup everyday. Not like being a drag queen, but makeup like that of rock stars in the seventies. Just think about it - coming to get my next advisee in the Advising Office with King Diamond-esque makeup on. I would want to be advised by me! That is one of my complaints about history - no theatricality! We need makeup, otherworldliness, to get our message to the people! Like Bowie said in "Diamond Dogs," "This ain't rock and roll...this is GENOCIDE!" I need to cut back on the caffeine, I think...

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Some comments on rock music, rock musicians, and their adulation

I am unsure of whether or not I like the idea of having a Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. I just read that Madonna was inducted into the RARHOF, begging the question, "Madonna? Rock and Roll?" I realize that rock music, broadly defined, includes a panoply of artists, everything from Run DMC to Hank Williams. But Madonna? Really? I mean, is "Like a Virgin" rock and roll? I just don't see it.

Indeed, I just don't understand the notion of a rock and roll hall of fame. I thought that rock music was supposed to be about rebellion, danger, and confrontation, things that seem antithetical to an institution that celebrates these artists 25 or more years after they have long ceased being rebellious, dangerous, or confrontational. The people that were true rockers are dead or in a mental institution. Not that I am encouraging hedonism a la Jim Morrison, but didn't these people get into this business for the immediacy of the music at the time they started doing what they did? Doesn't having a Hall of Fame go against this notion?

To be sure, as a historian, I am all about exploring and celebrating the past. But rock and roll's past doesn't seem suited to having a bunch of stuffed shirts decide that Iggy Pop, for example, should be given a black tie ceremony at 200 dollars a plate, with Cuban cigars and brandy, to celebrate how rebellious he was - isn't the music enough of a legacy? Which brings me back to Madonna - what is so great about her? The fact that she was consistently a media whore who so-so sang her songs? That she confronted American sexual mores by walking around naked and kissing women? That she won an Oscar? How is that rock and roll? I don't get it; I don't get it one bit...

Friday, March 7, 2008

Today is Cheese Whiz Day!

Much like we did with Spam, my office decided to have another processed food day, this time with Cheese Whiz. I made Turkey Tetrazini with Turkey Spam, Ramon Noodles, and Cheese Whiz. Everyone liked it but Chuck, and he had to make a huge big damn deal about it that he couldn't eat it. Stay tuned for further details...


In honor of the cheesiness of the day, here is a really cheesy eighties video:


Enjoy!

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Why can't they make movies like this anymore?

Seriously, will someone tell me why they don't make movies like this anymore? I realize that the 1970s amped up the excess in rock music to the point that punk HAD to happen, but this movie celebrates the theme of excess to such an excessive level that it seems almost comfortingly, orgiastically cathartic. Maybe the GSHA band could perform inside a building that's being imploded!

By the way, I HAVE TO SEE THIS MOVIE! THE TRAILER ALONE MADE ME CRAZY! WHAT A NAME FOR A MOVIE! Enjoy!

Friday, February 15, 2008

Variegated Brainstem - Year Two, Day One, Hour Ten!

What a day it is today! The birds are singing, the squirrels are considering the current economic situation. Mothers pause to look lovingly into the faces of their babies, and former enemies throw down their machetes and axes to finally embrace in peace. We here at the Veeb are buoyed by the spirit of this day, and anxious about the dual goals of this Friday: celebrating our blog's anniversary and taking our Spam Vindaloo to the Arts and Sciences' Spam Cookoff. Although our initial excitement about our recipe was shared by all, last night's blind taste test revealed that among the things that the good Lord never intended was for Spam to be marinaded - Spam's density as a meat prevents its ready access to marinading forces. As a result, we are not so sure about our dish's success. Even served in one of television art teacher Dan Mihuta's clay bowl creations will probably not help...

But, in addition to the cookin', there is the rockin'!

Today is the first day of the rest of the fiscal blogging year that is the Variegated Brainstem!

Today is the day that one year ago the future of the world was set into motion!

Today is the day that one year ago a iron gauntlet was hurled into the face of humanity!

Today is the day that one year ago people began to realize again that MUSIC IS REVOLUTION!

Today is the day that one year ago a humble graduate student with nothing better to do took considerable time from his studies to bore the world with his acid casualty observations!

Ladies and Gentlemen, it is our extreme pleasure to welcome you to:

VARIEGATED BRAINSTEM, YEAR TWO: THE RECKONING
Enjoy!

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

1970s Soft Rock - why the mundane can be frightening...



Having recently admitted my love and secret shame of MOR seventies soft rock, I have been, as I often do, hyper-looking at and listening to videos and songs of this genre. I must be OCD when it comes to music, because I get fixated on something like "sunshine pop" and then, for 3 or 4 weeks, can do nothing but download and listen to this type of music. And, as before, my new obsession has become seventies soft rock, and I have been sucking this stuff down like an opium addict. HOWEVER, this video by the band Exile has kinda creeped and freaked me out.

I don't know what it is. Maybe it's the disembodied lips on the wall and on the floor. Maybe it's the lead singer's rough androgyny that makes him/her look like a man, then a woman, then a man in such a way that makes me wonder if he is a demonic entity - the dance gyrations don't help. Maybe it is the singluar theme of the lyrics, which proclaim that the only focus of the protagonist will be to get his baby and kiss her all over, all over, all over, again and again - not that I am against kissing or kissing all over, for that matter, but the band's singleminded focus on this particular activity make me wonder if there might be tentacles and spinal fluid sucking involved. Maybe it is the fact that the band is, in my opinion, WAY to into their music, as if they are heralding a new age of utopian revolution or that their music rocks in a similar way as, say, the Ramones. Maybe I'm just overanalyzing it, but you have to admit that they don't make bands like this anymore, which might be a good or a bad thing depending on how you look at it. Either way, enjoy!

Monday, February 4, 2008

Yacht Rock - the reason for the internet!

While I can engage in music snobbery with the best of them, dropping Yo La Tengo and Joy Division references while I hold my nose at the regular pablum that constitutes modern radio, I have always had a soft spot (secret shame?) for the lighter end of the rock spectrum. Apparently, I am not alone, as I chanced upon a group of videos by a bunch of guys from California detailing the untold stories of the creation of what they term "yacht rock" - the Kenny Loggins, Michael McDonald, Steely Dan, Doobie Brothers type of music that dominated the airwaves of the late seventies and early eighties. These videos are brilliant and provide a wonderful take on this hidden history that so clearly needed to be told. This is the first episode, entitled "What a Fool Believes;" hopefully you will tear up and laugh out loud at the same time, like I did. We should have done this kinda stuff with the GSHA...


Enjoy!

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Dance the dance of the space goddess ritual! Neuron-eating music and videos for your perusal!



People like to suggest, sometimes, that I am some sort of acid burnt wacko, a persona that I, sometimes, encourage perhaps. However, if youtube had been around when I was doing chemical alterations to my psyche, THIS kind of video would have made me a prime candidate for a rubber room and arm and leg restraints. Hell, it's freaky enough WITHOUT drugs; I couldn't imagine watching this already out of my mind! Of course, I have watched it repeatedly today!

You know me - I like all sorts music, high brow and low brow. But this video just makes my bowels and nads hurt with an unimaginable horror - no wonder punk music needed to happen and happened when it did! "But, wait," you might say, "I thought you liked bands like the Osmonds!?! Aren't they similar?" I won't quibble on that point - both bands are somewhat of the same ilk. HOWEVER, the Osmonds were musical geniuses, a Mormon Beatles, if you will. They mined the depths and heights of our emotions and imaginations, making this world a better, kinder, and stronger place. They played their instruments AND danced AND sang AND smiled AND all the while searched for ways to end world hunger, fight Communist Aggression, and pursue the race to land a man-made vehicle on Mars. The band in this video, on the other hand, was so obviously only in it for the money - how else do you explain someone voluntarily playing this kind of garbage and doing so in public on television? For the joy of the music and the ability to entertain? HELL NO! Money, pure and simple, is the source of this horse manure! So, go tell "the Man" to honk on bubba for foisting crap like this onto us! Enjoy!

Thursday, January 3, 2008

Memorial to Missy: the end of an era - blame the f-ing Nazis and Britney Spears!

My girlfriend, due to her Snidely Whiplash-esque ex-landlord's cluelessness, was forced to find a new house and move all of her belongings within the month of December. Due to the condition of her elderly cat Missy, the feline's euthanasia was deemed the most humane thing to do, especially as a move to a new environment would most assuredly have been traumatic to the cat. So, ever the dutiful boyfriend, I helped with the burial of the remains and fashioned a headstone for her. Hats off to Missy - may you run free and poop and pee to your heart's content!

On a lighter note(!?), I saw that Britney Spears has finally lost it. I am not a Britney watcher, to be sure, but have of late been surprised at the public ungluing of someone that seemed to have it all - money, fame, a deadbeat husband, her own fragrance. The pictures of Britney laughing hysterically in the back of an ambulance, strapped to the gurney and obviously whacked out of her mind on Lord knows what kind of medication, were like watching a man give the thumbs up before jumping out of the airplane without his parachute.

This is not to suggest that Missy the Cat and Britney Spears are comparable in some metaphorical sense. But, if she isn't careful, Britney may be headed for that big kitty litter box in the sky! Only time and lots of Vicadin will tell...

Tuesday, January 1, 2008

First post 'o' the year, and boy am I through with fast food!

I am, despite my righteous anger about fun eateries, lazy when it comes to cooking. So. not wishing to eat oatmeal for breakfast, I decided to go get a cup of coffee and some breakfasty something from McDonald's. Only after scraping my taste buds down with a broken piece of glass was I able to compose myself long enough to write the following letter:

Dear, Mr. McDonald,
I decided, againt my better judgement, to visit one of your establishments for a quick breakfast and coffee before going off to a Jack Russell Terrier swap in Clinton. I am nothing without my morning coffee, but I usually must have something in my stomach to temper the effects of the heady brew's voodoo upon my person. However, as I drove away, screaming at the puppies in the back of my station wagon to quiet their incessant yapping, I chanced to drink some of the swill your corporation purports to present as coffee. I would ask since when are green beans an ingredient in black coffee, as that was the only taste that dominated my palate for several hours after embibing your coffee. I may have been raised in the hills of east Tennessee, far away from the coffee exchanges of Vienna and Seattle, but I most assuredly know that what you gave me in that cup was nothing even remotely related to coffee. Criminey, even the war rationed coffee cut with chicory served during our struggles against the Axis powers tasted better than your vile beverage. I now remember why I don't frequent your establishments - you have food and drink that has such middle range bland and evil tastes that I would be more rewarded by sticking one of my dogs' paws in a hot cup of water to steep and drink for my morning beverage. I hope you are happy - 2008 is now ruined for me.

Sincerely,
Rev. Merle Rickard, Esq.

I hope they got the point! New Year's Resolution One for the Veeb: NO fast food!

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

A Video for Boxing Day!

I don't know what prompted me to want to post this video - maybe the want of snow, the anomie and despair, or my inclination to get something for breakfast. This is one of those that I could watch pretty regularly and I don't know why. Featuring my favs the Kids in the Hall, it must be seen to be believed. Enjoy and have a wonderful day!

Monday, December 17, 2007

My nose hurts and my eye has started twitching again! Bah-humbug!

I can't get into the spirit of the season. My sickness, my impending Group Two exam, my lack of anything exciting to give to anyone for Christmas, our death culture of plasticity - all these conspire to make me a melancholy Dane. What's a man to do? Ho freaking ho!

Saturday, December 1, 2007

Some ruminations about the GSHA's former watering hole...


Lately, Chuck and I have been engaged in the pursuit of our comprehensive exams and have not been to the Bean for a while. We decided, after his completion of his Group Two exam, to go there and hang out for a while. Much has changed. Smoking is no longer allowed in the building. All the televisions are high-def flat screens - there's even one facing the outside through the window so the people on the porch can watch sports. The bathroom is devoid of much graffiti, beyond some of the cogent observations that I have placed on the wall. The food is EXACTLY the same. They no longer have Pabst's Blue Ribbon on tap. Most of the servers and bartenders are new and have no idea that we have a long history there.

Perhaps it is wistfulness that makes me write this. It is hard to go somewhere after spending so many evenings there with friends to not be somewhat nostalgic over the whole affair. At the same time, our recent visit merely confirmed what I had felt all along when we went there: I don't like Cool Beans! I never did! I just thought the atmosphere was too sports bar and too frat and too Bacardi Girls and body shots and "Dude!" Not that I am above that, but I had always envisioned the Long Branch as a more suitable historian hangout. To be sure, the Branch didn't have food, pitchers, semi-clean bathrooms, or Bacardi Girls.

I know, as the good book says in 1 Corinthians, "
When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things." I realize that all of this is about as important as whether Kroger's runs out of Chex mix when compared to issues such as world hunger, peace, and war. This blog entry has no real denouement other than to say that, now that I am in the twilight of my grad school career, I miss having a large group of historian friends there to share it with.

Sunday, November 18, 2007

A Sunday morning of reflection...

Comps are coming in two days. My beloved office coffee cup with Christmas geese on it has been kidnapped and probably brainwashed into joining some revolutionary quasi-religious suicide cult a la Patty Hearst and the SLA. I have recruited Gordon, my desk gnome, to protect my other goose cup, but it may be a bit too much for him, as the cup is bigger than he is. Oh, that Gordon!As for the rest of it, I have wanted to post this video for some time. It is by a Spanish band from the sixties called Los Bravos, best known for their hit song "Black is Black." This video, of a song entitled "Going Nowhere," seems appropriate to what is going on in my life right now, with tests and kidnapped cups. Note the lead singers strained facial expressions while he is in the depths of mod-a-go-go dance moves - looks like he's trying to keep from deucing one up, even as he winks at the camera! Everyone else acts like they are having hip convulsions - which of them are using a walker now, one might wonder if one wondered those sorts of things.


Enjoy!

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

On seeing a wedding reception at TGI Friday's in Pigeon Forge...your funeateries have become tiresome!

The American populace has a multitude of choices daily thrust upon them. We are bombarded with eighteen different brands of toilet paper, thirty different brands of toothpaste, a million different brands of a million different products, each claiming superiority over the other. And not only dry goods; the venues within the marketplace are as varied as our shopping experience itself. Dozens of grocery chains, clothing store chains, bookstore chains, even coffee chains, each with an agenda of pursuing the consumer for their exclusive business. I regret that this has happened.

We have allowed the international conglomerates to control our buying decisions. We see choice and the “freedom” it imparts as a good thing, something that industry and big business want us to continue to accept as true. We think nothing of going to the big, national lumber store instead of Uncle Fred’s hardware that we patronized for years, all because the price is cheaper. And yet, is the quality of a proportionate level to cause us to disregard this factor in our buying? Would we rather deal with a minimum wage teenager, with no investment in their job, or would we rather deal with Uncle Fred, who owns his store and is dependent on our business for his livelihood, who can tell us where the locking washers are, what size threaded elbow we’d need, or that we shouldn’t spend our money on that particular saw blade since this one is cheaper but of equal quality for the job we’re doing? Is our demand for choice worth the lack of communication and service that tends to accompany it?

The evolution of the community watering hole and restaurant is an excellent example of this. Gone are the days when an eatery of local and historical value that serves good, homemade food can compete with the chain restaurants. I lament the day that the fast-food diners supplanted the local Mom and Pop café. It is more expensive, for sure, but Mom and Pop make each meal to order, make you want to return, give you a relaxed atmosphere, refill your tea, learn your name as you frequent their business, remember your likes and dislikes, wave to you on the street or at the store, ask about your family. Will the girl at the counter at Dairy Queen treat you in the same manner? More than likely, no.

Most repugnant to me are the so-called “fun-eateries”, the restaurants that seek to offer a lively, party-filled atmosphere, where sports are on televisions throughout, the piped-in music is the latest popular offerings, the food much the same from one to the other. Each tries to create a mood of relaxation, with pop icons, motorcycle memorabilia, football jerseys, license plates fixed to the walls, a very transparent attempt to tap into the American collective consciousness. Each offers a large draft beer in an interestingly shaped mug, each with a unique and masculine name, such as the “Brewtus”, or the “Bulldog”. Nacho appetizers abound. Food straight from the grill on small frying pans, the waitress always stating, “Be careful, honey. This plate is really hot!”, the sound of sizzling entrées melding with sports scores and hurrahs from the fans in the restaurant. Where have you gone, Joe DiMaggio?

I used to live in a town where this trend was visibly apparent at a place called Applebee’s. Some friends and acquaintances frequented this establishment almost nightly, knowing each item on the menu as if it were scripture, thinking that watered down beer and cutesy drinks such as the ‘Red Headed Slut’ and the ‘Bahama Mama’ were the epitome of excitement. I will grant you, that at the time there was really no other place for a young man or woman to go on a Friday night in town; this, I suppose, I can now accept. However, I am saddened that the only spot in town was a restaurant chain, with the same layout as the Applebee’s in the next town, with no apparent individualistic essence, no uniqueness specific to where we lived.

This is the ‘Wal-Martization’ or the ‘McDonaldization’ of America; we have choices, and yet we are not allowed to choose the choices offered to us. How are local restaurants to compete, when they lack a corporate juggernaut behind them? Every Applebee’s, every Benigann’s, every Chili’s, every T.G.I. Friday’s, every freakin' ‘fun-eatery’ - what makes them any different from any other one of these establishments? All the food is the same, maybe not in taste, but in character, since each serving is precisely measured and accounted for. Each restaurant is laid out the same, with the bar in the middle, the focal point of the lively activity that is offered to the consumer. Regardless of the intricacies of the bartender’s skill or their engaging personality, each bar is limited to the libations that the corporate office allows, since market research is their primary tool for determining the most popular brands of drink and food. The uniforms of the wait staff are usually the same, with golf shirts and name tags and little aprons. Other than the accent of the majority of the people in the restaurant, what is there, in these places, to distinguish them from any other restaurant of the same chain in another part of the country? Or in the world, for that matter?

I must pause here, and explain my distress. I understand that each restaurant has its unique character, even within the tightly bound dictates of a large chain. The people that work there and the people that come to the restaurant both help to create this individuality. However, what I cannot abide is the fact that individualism is confined within strict guidelines, determined by careful market study and surveys. We are allowed to get crazy and mix it up, but only as long as our frivolity conforms to the corporate plan. I am not suggesting that another restaurant, unburdened by the company millstone, would necessarily present an atmosphere ripe for unhindered creativity and expression; hell, I’ve been to some local hash houses that made me long for a Shoney’s.

Why now, Mike? You don't go to these places and you don't have the money to go to them regularly even if you did want to go to them? Well, why not? When you are served hyper-sugarified iced tea on an empty stomach in the middle of the afternoon at a TGI Friday's in the middle of Pigeon Forge, you tend to think about these things. Long live neo-luddism and the revisionist critiques of gendered subaltern agency in historical tropes of post-modern discourse!

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Historiography might be important to a historian, but that doesn't mean I have to like home decorating shows!

Does historiography really matter to anyone besides us? I mean, c'mon, who on the street is really going to be concerned with how the various schools of American historical thought argued about the issue of reform during the Jacksonian period?

And, while I am ranting, who really cares for this guy with the 5 day beard on Oprah that redecorates houses? Nate - I believe his name is. He's probably a nice enough guy, but I just want to kick his teeth in sometimes, along with every other redecorating ya-hoo on the TV. They make things look more cluttered, less c
omfortable, and all about filling a room with the latest reproduction crap from Pottery Barn! Is Oprah telling us that conspicuous consumption is a necessary facet of being a self-actualized human being? Isn't that what was being suggested during the Progressive Era with the notion of a "therapeutic ethos" driven by consumer spending? (see what I did there - I brought my rant back to history and historical topics...like you really care, you trading spaces tools!)

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Who knew? Did you?

I am always up for learning new and interesting things, especially as I am trying to study for comps. Why would I need all the room in my brain for just history? There are all sorts of things out there for me to discover, and it makes a fellow kinda squishy inside to think that they might learn something new, each and every day.
That said, I was surprised and dismayed that there were people on this earth who engage in the activity of rabbit show jumping. Competitively. Much like the equestrian version, rabbit show jumping involves a trainer (not a jockey) going around to various stations with various sized hurdles and encouraging the rabbit to jump over them. That's it! Is that f%cked, or what?

I don't know why, but this makes me laugh hysterically at the same time the anger swells within. To be sure, why should I care? I mean, rabbits are jumping animals. It's not like they are trying to make them swim or wear little Star Trek themed outfits. They're just making them jump, competitively. Nothing wrong in that, I suppose, but I smell a future doping scandal in the works. And, I guess, therein lies the problem for me, because something so innocent and pure and silly as rabbit jumping will likely decay into a celebrity driven festival of emptiness that will make us all want to eat Drano and get it over with, and that makes me angry. I don't understand where it comes from, but it feels like the same kind of anger that I experience when I think about the new WB show, Gossip Girl, which the mere sight of the commercials drives me into an insane rage little seen in this hemisphere. How many f%cking more television shows do we need about rich, vacuous white kids with too much money, too little sense, and the sex drives of speed-addicted howler monkeys? I HATE THESE SHOWS! And the next thing you know, on a very special episode of Gossip Girl, we will be introduced to the dark back-alley side of competitive rabbit show jumping! Jesus, please come back to us real soon! We need you!

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Some of my new favorite mu-suck-ial groups - part one

Every one should follow their muse and do the things that make them happy (within reason - zoosadism and pedophilia don't count). I have yet to find my overriding passion, but these folks seem to have found their's, although perhaps in ways that make the rest of us scratch our heads and go "Huh?" or "Do what?"

This first is Leslie and the Lys, the brainchild of Leslie Hall, a gold lame beehive-hairdoed lady from Iowa who envisions herself as a rap / hip-hop genius (who's to say she isn't?). Here she presents what is probably the only (that I'm aware of) musical pop tribute to the Ron Howard movie Willow:

Watching this makes me repeatedly wonder: why didn't we do stuff like this in the TA office?

Saturday, October 20, 2007

Lawrence Welk - oh how I love him!

For those of you that know me, you know that I love the Lawrence Welk Show. It started innocently enough, watching it with my grandmother. I reasoned that I could choose to either really hate it or really completely get into it. As I opted for the latter, I became quite a fan of the show, mainly for its overly upbeat American ideal being played out during the Vietnam War, civil rights, and the hippie movement during the 1960s and 1970s. With this in mind, it is amazing to see a song such as this played on the show, especially given the double-meaning of the song lyrics to all the heads who might have tuned in to the show in the Seventies. As a historian, this is an example of how the establishment can take something from the underground and sanitize it for its own purposes, whatever those may be. Unlike other videos of the Welk Show on YouTube, this is real and actually happened:

It begs the question of whether or not the singers actually knew what they were singing. Or, maybe they had just ingested a heapin' helpin' of Thai Stick to help them through their performance! Either way, enjoy!