Glitter and Doom is coming to Knoxville and I can't waits...

End of school shindig - learning who can do stripper dance moves at a company party....

The advising office end of the year party was last night. There was all sorts of food, all sorts of booze, and all sorts of people there. I was lucky enough to win an award as the "spam princess" for having promoted new weird holidays and the glory of processed foods. As is often the case, the booze made for some drama (none involving me, of course), mostly through weird dancing by unlikely people and bare emotions coming to the fore. But, a good time was had by most. Until next May...

I'm Bringing Sexy Back, old school style, just in time for summer!

"You Down With OPB (Ocean Pacific Brand)?" "Yeah, you know me!" There I was, pacing the aisles of Wal-Mart, looking for something to fill the void in my life, when I chanced upon the discovery of the re-release of a clothing line near and dear to the hearts of those of us who came of age in the early eighties. Yes, I'm talking about the venerable OP clothing line, sold exclusively now at the Mart.

Gone are the days when we would have given our front teeth just for the opportunity to own an OP shirt. True, perhaps we placed too much value on material things when we were in middle school. And, probably, our sexuality as well, as I remember worrying profusely that a friend of mine and I wore similar blue OP shirts to middle school one day, only to be called "fags" by a bunch of cooler people who now probably work at Wal-mart. So, confident now in both myself, my sexual orientation, and the world in which I live, I hurl down the gauntlet of fashion and proclaim this summer not only the Summer of Mike but the Summer of Eighties Inspired Beach Wear! Who's with me?

Jury duty in Knox County...oh, how fun!

Much to my chagrin, I was placed on noticed earlier in the year that I would be required to serve on criminal court jury duty in the spring. I was hoping to get on the grand jury, as I actually wanted to see how that process worked in Tennessee. Of course, I did not get to do that, and was forced to choose a two week stint in which I would be able to serve on a court jury. Yesterday, I came within a hair of being on a sequestered jury for a first degree murder trial. I suppose I have no difficulties with that potentiality, but it was rather unsettling to be in the jury box looking at the defendant, who was sitting there looking at the jury of his peers. Needless to say, I have realized that lawyers on both sides do not want educated people on the jury, as they seem to be able to use their reason and critical thinking skills to determine which side made the better case, rather than just have a knee-jerk reaction to the whole affair. If I ever (God forbid) have to go before a jury of my peers, I shudder to think of some of the yahoos that might be determining my fate. I still have another week of this, so I will keep you updated - not that anyone reads this bleeding thing anyways...

Of all the things to see when you are sick...

Those of you that know me know of my like for the Flaming Lips. I have seen them in concert, which were some of the most amazing musical experiences I've ever had. I have nearly all of their recorded output, which seems to have been getting better year after year. I have been praising them for quite some time, with good reason.

But, their latest album was not so great, mainly as it seemed to be a retread of many of the ideas from the album before. And, very peculiarly, I have been noticing the Lips' music accompanying different commercials. A lot of them. As I lay on my sofa, troubling deaf heaven with my bootless cries and cursing my intestinal fate, I saw a commercial for Kraft Salad Dressing that had Flaming Lips' music as its soundtrack. I thought it was a fever dream. But, I saw it again today and am saddened.

I realize that their music is their's to do with as they wish. If they want to shill for salad dressing, then they should should shill for salad dressing - I would rather hear them than yet another commercial with Katrina and the Waves "I'm Walking on Sunshine," after all. But, there is just something disconcerting about how music so quickly departs from being sublime to being subservient to the capitalist juggernaut. I'm still going to listen to the Flaming Lips, to be sure, but this whole episode has given me pause. What is next? The Sex Pistols' "Pretty Vacant" used for a Tampax commercial?

It has been a long time...

I have rarely been so long between blog posts, especially as this is my Spring Break Week. However, circumstances beyond my control prevented me from attending to my posting duties.

Most importantly, I have been suffering from an intestinal unfortunateness that had me copiously leaking from both ends, to put it the most mildly that I can. It is only today, the first day since Sunday, that I have attempted to eat really solid food (toast). Thus, the best laid plans for my Spring Break, mainly drinking, were deferred for hugging the toilet in my apartment (although this was indeed cheaper than purchasing alcohol).

Now that I am returning to the pink of health, all I really want is a big hamburger and fries...I'm not sure why.

Today is Cheese Whiz Day!

Much like we did with Spam, my office decided to have another processed food day, this time with Cheese Whiz. I made Turkey Tetrazini with Turkey Spam, Ramon Noodles, and Cheese Whiz. Everyone liked it but Chuck, and he had to make a huge big damn deal about it that he couldn't eat it. Stay tuned for further details...

In honor of the cheesiness of the day, here is a really cheesy eighties video:

Enjoy!

UPDATE: Ringling Brothers Circus - a Circus of LIES!

My girlfriend, in her infinite wisdom, read my earlier circus blog and then hipped me to the reality of it all. The painted goats and the bearded worm women from Bavaria - all a dream of my fever-addled mind, apparently. Who knew? But the worst part was the laundry list of animal cruelty charges she read to me. Happy cartoon animals playing cards with the workers this ain't! Elephant beatings, killings, kidnappings, forced performances, clowns on drugs, child pornography with Spanky the Clown, interspecies orgies - the Ringling Bros is runnin' a regular Sodom and Gommorah of entertainment. I am thoroughly appalled, and so will not be going to this or any other circus, unless the animals have signed a waiver and have one of their representatives (maybe one of the monkeys) who will serve as a spokes-animal and tell me that it is okay to come to the show. Of course, if that were to happen, I would probably be too freaked out to go in! Needless to say, shame on the cruel ringmaster and his evil minions for their treatment of the animals and for destroying my dreams! I hope the elephants run amok in the Knoxville civic center - Power to the Pachyderms, baby!

Dance the dance of the space goddess ritual! Neuron-eating music and videos for your perusal!

People like to suggest, sometimes, that I am some sort of acid burnt wacko, a persona that I, sometimes, encourage perhaps. However, if youtube had been around when I was doing chemical alterations to my psyche, THIS kind of video would have made me a prime candidate for a rubber room and arm and leg restraints. Hell, it's freaky enough WITHOUT drugs; I couldn't imagine watching this already out of my mind! Of course, I have watched it repeatedly today!

You know me - I like all sorts music, high brow and low brow. But this video just makes my bowels and nads hurt with an unimaginable horror - no wonder punk music needed to happen and happened when it did! "But, wait," you might say, "I thought you liked bands like the Osmonds!?! Aren't they similar?" I won't quibble on that point - both bands are somewhat of the same ilk. HOWEVER, the Osmonds were musical geniuses, a Mormon Beatles, if you will. They mined the depths and heights of our emotions and imaginations, making this world a better, kinder, and stronger place. They played their instruments AND danced AND sang AND smiled AND all the while searched for ways to end world hunger, fight Communist Aggression, and pursue the race to land a man-made vehicle on Mars. The band in this video, on the other hand, was so obviously only in it for the money - how else do you explain someone voluntarily playing this kind of garbage and doing so in public on television? For the joy of the music and the ability to entertain? HELL NO! Money, pure and simple, is the source of this horse manure! So, go tell "the Man" to honk on bubba for foisting crap like this onto us! Enjoy!

False Start, part deux

"Yes...victory is soon to be in our grasp! Mike has yet to take his group 2 exam and, if our plans go forward as I have anticipated, the longer we can postpone his exam, the more easily we can take over the world, the solar system, the GALAXY! HAaa-haaa-haaa-haaa-haaa!"

In case you are wondering, inclement weather prevented me from taking my exam, AGAIN! I need a hug...

An update - still on the launch pad!

So, there I was at 9:20, in the small conference room, ready to start my Group 2 exam at 9:30. At 9:26, I was informed that one of the professors could not make it and that we would have to reschedule. I so wanted to get this over with, but I suppose that's the life of a shuttle mission specialist, having to hurry up and wait. Oops, I mean that's the life of a historian...

Group 2 Exam today

I go before the tribunal today!

The first Variegated Brainstem Music collection

Hello, loyal viewers! The Veeb has issued its first soundtrack CD, entitled Make the Madness Stop. It contains a variety of psyche-skewing songs for your musical aggrandizement. Tracks on this first of several collection include:

1. Stereo Phase Test - Man Or Astroman (01:04)
2. Magic People - The Paupers (02:45)
3. At The Mountains Of Madness - HP Lovecraft (04:58)
4. I Put Spell On You - Arthur Brown (03:45)
5. The year of the sun - The Gordian Knot (03:02)
6. my mind - The Misunderstood (02:35)
7. Spiral Galaxy 28948 - Hawkwind (03:47)
8. Through My Eyes - The Creation (03:07)
9. Lysergic Bliss - Of Montreal (04:04)
10. I'm A Nut - (01:02)
11. Bottle Of Wine - Fireballs (02:11)
12. Cup Of Jesus - Joel R. Cooper (02:26)
13. Sardinia - Alabama Sacred Harp Singers (02:14)
14. I live for the sun - The Sunrays (02:28)
15. Laughing Stock - Love (02:32)
16. A Chicken with Its Head Cut Off - The Magnetic Fields (02:42)
17. The Third Eye - The Dovers (02:17)
18. Happy - The Sunshine Company (01:58)
19. Trouble - Lindsey Buckingham (03:49)
20. Me - The Brain Train (02:25)
21. Groovy Summertime - The Love Generation (02:24)
22. White Cat Heat - The Godz (02:12)
23. Something In 4/4 Time - Daryl Hall (04:27)
24. You Keep Hanging up on My Mind - Wendy & Bonnie (02:59)
25. Watch out for Me Ronnie - Yo La Tengo (03:02)
26. Some People Never Know - We All Together (04:21)
plus a secret or too!

Not to toot our horns here at the VCC (Veeb Central Control), but we are pleased at how this CD flows, making everything from dish-washing to the daily commute to encounters with the rhino-hive mind something to look forward to! Drop us a line if you would like a copy. Enjoy!

Memorial to Missy: the end of an era - blame the f-ing Nazis and Britney Spears!

My girlfriend, due to her Snidely Whiplash-esque ex-landlord's cluelessness, was forced to find a new house and move all of her belongings within the month of December. Due to the condition of her elderly cat Missy, the feline's euthanasia was deemed the most humane thing to do, especially as a move to a new environment would most assuredly have been traumatic to the cat. So, ever the dutiful boyfriend, I helped with the burial of the remains and fashioned a headstone for her. Hats off to Missy - may you run free and poop and pee to your heart's content!

On a lighter note(!?), I saw that Britney Spears has finally lost it. I am not a Britney watcher, to be sure, but have of late been surprised at the public ungluing of someone that seemed to have it all - money, fame, a deadbeat husband, her own fragrance. The pictures of Britney laughing hysterically in the back of an ambulance, strapped to the gurney and obviously whacked out of her mind on Lord knows what kind of medication, were like watching a man give the thumbs up before jumping out of the airplane without his parachute.

This is not to suggest that Missy the Cat and Britney Spears are comparable in some metaphorical sense. But, if she isn't careful, Britney may be headed for that big kitty litter box in the sky! Only time and lots of Vicadin will tell...

First post 'o' the year, and boy am I through with fast food!

I am, despite my righteous anger about fun eateries, lazy when it comes to cooking. So. not wishing to eat oatmeal for breakfast, I decided to go get a cup of coffee and some breakfasty something from McDonald's. Only after scraping my taste buds down with a broken piece of glass was I able to compose myself long enough to write the following letter:

Dear, Mr. McDonald,
I decided, againt my better judgement, to visit one of your establishments for a quick breakfast and coffee before going off to a Jack Russell Terrier swap in Clinton. I am nothing without my morning coffee, but I usually must have something in my stomach to temper the effects of the heady brew's voodoo upon my person. However, as I drove away, screaming at the puppies in the back of my station wagon to quiet their incessant yapping, I chanced to drink some of the swill your corporation purports to present as coffee. I would ask since when are green beans an ingredient in black coffee, as that was the only taste that dominated my palate for several hours after embibing your coffee. I may have been raised in the hills of east Tennessee, far away from the coffee exchanges of Vienna and Seattle, but I most assuredly know that what you gave me in that cup was nothing even remotely related to coffee. Criminey, even the war rationed coffee cut with chicory served during our struggles against the Axis powers tasted better than your vile beverage. I now remember why I don't frequent your establishments - you have food and drink that has such middle range bland and evil tastes that I would be more rewarded by sticking one of my dogs' paws in a hot cup of water to steep and drink for my morning beverage. I hope you are happy - 2008 is now ruined for me.

Sincerely,
Rev. Merle Rickard, Esq.

I hope they got the point! New Year's Resolution One for the Veeb: NO fast food!

A Video for Boxing Day!

I don't know what prompted me to want to post this video - maybe the want of snow, the anomie and despair, or my inclination to get something for breakfast. This is one of those that I could watch pretty regularly and I don't know why. Featuring my favs the Kids in the Hall, it must be seen to be believed. Enjoy and have a wonderful day!

My nose hurts and my eye has started twitching again! Bah-humbug!

I can't get into the spirit of the season. My sickness, my impending Group Two exam, my lack of anything exciting to give to anyone for Christmas, our death culture of plasticity - all these conspire to make me a melancholy Dane. What's a man to do? Ho freaking ho!

A Festivus Miracle!

My original office goose cup has been returned to me, safe and intact. The reunion was muted and brief, but it was understood by the both of us that our separation had a far more profound effect on ourselves than we could have possibly imagined. After returning to my office cubicle, I couldn't help but fill the cup with my tears...tears of joy, to be sure, but tears nonetheless. Now, I am off to drink some coffee in the cup and catch him up with all the office gossip. Oh, the times we will once again share together!

Comps are over...so here's the Who!

A Sunday morning of reflection...

Comps are coming in two days. My beloved office coffee cup with Christmas geese on it has been kidnapped and probably brainwashed into joining some revolutionary quasi-religious suicide cult a la Patty Hearst and the SLA. I have recruited Gordon, my desk gnome, to protect my other goose cup, but it may be a bit too much for him, as the cup is bigger than he is. Oh, that Gordon!As for the rest of it, I have wanted to post this video for some time. It is by a Spanish band from the sixties called Los Bravos, best known for their hit song "Black is Black." This video, of a song entitled "Going Nowhere," seems appropriate to what is going on in my life right now, with tests and kidnapped cups. Note the lead singers strained facial expressions while he is in the depths of mod-a-go-go dance moves - looks like he's trying to keep from deucing one up, even as he winks at the camera! Everyone else acts like they are having hip convulsions - which of them are using a walker now, one might wonder if one wondered those sorts of things.


Enjoy!